This Lil Porno Mine

Jesus loves all in this dramatic retelling of the Joseph Smith story. Joseph, the young man who offers his soul, mind and his sexy body up to Jesus so that he can experience his first gay sex! After blessing Joseph’s sweet virgin asshole with his pious prick, Joseph does Jesus the favor of giving him a ball-draining blowjob. Latter day saint, indeed.

The funny things about this video are pretty obvious, so I just want to point out a couple of things here:

1. Jesus isn’t circumsized. Now, I don’t really know if there is a lot of information out there about Jesus’ penis, (I expect there isn’t), but I figure since he was the King of the Jews and all he may have been circumsized. I really should research this, but I just watched a Mormon parody gay porn at 6am, so I have had my fill of penis for the day… no pun intended.

2. Jesus loses his wookie-like locks and beard as soon as his penis comes out. He’s like Samson, or something. Without his hair he is powerless… to cock. Yeah, just like Samson. I should really re-read the Bible.

3. You get to hear Jesus ask someone to suck his cock. That never gets old, amirite?

Those are really the only things I wanted to talk about. And for those of you who find this post to be a little tame, I got you this dildo:

Cactus Butt

That penis looks so sad for all of us.

I OPEN MY PENIS....

Here's the background:
Some dude from Turkey randomly started IMing me. He tried hitting on me. I decided to humor him:
eybidi: hii
Zombianca: hi
eybidi: do you tell me your sex history
Zombianca: i dont know, do i?
Zombianca: what do you want to know
eybidi: i wan to know do you do sex with men
Zombianca: yes
eybidi: 'start
Zombianca: huh
eybidi: yes
eybidi: start
eybidi: i will listen
Zombianca: start what
eybidi: for your sex history
Zombianca: what
eybidi: how do you do sex with men
Zombianca: well i start with a non lethal poisoning
Zombianca: usually with a prostitute
Zombianca: then move onto sodomy
eybidi: and
Zombianca: spanish fly works the best, i dont care much for illegal drugs
Zombianca: but it gets harder and harder to hold up the dead weight while operating a strap on
eybidi: and
Zombianca: occasionally i will imprison someone in a storage room ive rented
Zombianca: i dont believe in safe words
Zombianca: so it gets awkward
Zombianca: i mean, i always go through the motions and come up with one with them, just cause i like to hear them say a funny word repeatedly
Zombianca: honestly nothing gets me off more than someone screaming "bananas, bananas! BANANAS!" while I take them violently from behind
Zombianca: i only use strap ons with glass dildos fashioned after a black mans penis
eybidi: okay
eybidi: lets do sex
eybidi: with me
eybidi: if you want
eybidi: from online
Zombianca: well its not as much fun if its consensual
eybidi: can you start
Zombianca: it would be better if you did
eybidi: okay i catch your nipple
eybidi: and touching
Zombianca: i hand you the scissors and ask you to cut it off
eybidi: and then i take them nacked
Zombianca: now cut off yours
eybidi: where
Zombianca: whenever
Zombianca: wherever
eybidi: i make naked of my dick
Zombianca: i glue a he-man action figure where your penis used to be
Zombianca: i make the safeword "greyskull"
eybidi: and
eybidi: you start suck my dick depply
Zombianca: i realize i hate the taste of plastic action figures
Zombianca: it makes me gag
Zombianca: i vomit on hemans arm
Zombianca: it breaks off and goes down my throat
Zombianca: im choking
Zombianca: someone do the heimlich
Zombianca: no seriously
Zombianca: why arent you helping
eybidi: and i start fucking your nipple
Zombianca: my face turns blue and you shove that he man figure into the hole where my nipple used to be
Zombianca: i cant breathe
Zombianca: all of a sudden i vomit up the arm
Zombianca: phew
Zombianca: much better
eybidi: and i am sucking your pusyy
eybidi: like baby
Zombianca: im wondering what baby does that
Zombianca: im starting to get lightheaded from blood loss
eybidi: and start fuck you on top
Zombianca: which is good cause i get to lie down, plus it elevates my boob which stops the bleeding some
eybidi: and i start fuck you behind like a dog
Zombianca: i make chicken noises
Zombianca: BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK
Zombianca: BEGOOOOOCK
eybidi: and i do faster like you are in pain like some kill you
eybidi: and you say
Zombianca: some loose change falls out of my vagina
Zombianca: ive been wondering where my bus fare was
eybidi: and you are top on my body
eybidi: and you jumping
eybidi: too fast almost break my cock
Zombianca: so much change is coming out its like a slot machine
eybidi: okay
eybidi: okay
eybidi: enough
eybidi: do real
eybidi: i will open my cock
Zombianca: like a book
eybidi: noooooo
eybidi: i mean i will make nacked
eybidi: my cock in real
eybidi: you say i do
eybidi: okay tell me
Zombianca: im offended
Zombianca: i cant help it if my vagina is like a slot machine when im excited
eybidi: hey you just dream cock
eybidi: and tell and i do it
Zombianca: i dream cock
Zombianca: i have cocks in my dream catcher
eybidi: i mean dream actio
Zombianca: i clean it twice a week
eybidi: i mean you tell action
eybidi: i do in real
Zombianca: i dream of action movies
Zombianca: like live free: die hard
Zombianca: and demolition man
eybidi: tell me
Zombianca: i get on top of you imagining that you are wesley snipes
eybidi: what should
eybidi: do
Zombianca: you begin thrusting
Zombianca: you are so huge it gives me the hiccups
eybidi: do you understand me
eybidi: i try to say
eybidi: you tell me
eybidi: and i will tyr on my dick
Zombianca: you try on your dick but its the wrong size
Zombianca: i suggest a bigger, more flattering size
Zombianca: i get a sales associate
Zombianca: they say they are out of that size
Zombianca: we should try another store
eybidi: okay
eybidi: if you tell me
eybidi: i will do it
eybidi: in real
eybidi: for my dick
eybidi: it is nacked now
Zombianca: i go and get the manager
eybidi: where
Zombianca: its so close to christmas, i dont want to have to come back
eybidi: why
Zombianca: because then they really wont have the right size
Zombianca: and we'll have to go to the store way across town
Zombianca: and i dont like that one, the parkiing there is terrible and theres no other good stores around
eybidi: and
Zombianca: but there is that nice movie theater
Zombianca: you know, the one that we saw nights in the rodanthe at
eybidi: yes
Zombianca: maybe we could go there
Zombianca: theres a cinnabon
eybidi: yes
Zombianca: i never want cinnabon but then i smell it and im like, damn i want cinnabon
eybidi: okay
eybidi: help about my dick
Zombianca: oh yes im sorry i got distracted
Zombianca: let me go find that manager
Zombianca: stupid dick stores
Zombianca: always understaffed
eybidi: can you do
eybidi: just
eybidi: tell me what i should do with my hand on my dick
Zombianca: we go back to the bedroom
Zombianca: i get a bucket
Zombianca: gather up my bus fare
Zombianca: and catch the next bus home
Zombianca: thanks!